Abort the Pregnant Chads?

by Aaron Bloom

-------Republicans want to abort the "pregnant Chads." I thought Republicans were against abortion. Maybe they are just confused. After all, "Chad" is traditionally a male name, and they probably think males shouldn't be pregnant. Male pregnancy is, no doubt, a notion too inconsistent with their "traditional family values." Then again, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Republican, and he was pregnant in the 1994 movie "Junior."

-------Perhaps Republicans are afraid the pregnant Chads will give birth to a Democratic President. But if the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't the Republican stance be different? Of course it would. Have you ever tried standing with your left shoe on your right foot? And remember, former Republican Vice President Dan Quayle was very much opposed to abortion, unless, of course, it were his own daughter.

-------Then there are the ballots with "dimpled Chads." Katherine Harris, Florida's Republican Secretary of State, wants to get rid of these too. I would agree with her that all confusing things with dimples should be thrown out under one condition: She should go as well. After all, she has dimples. The Democrats counter that they want to follow the "will" of the people. I admire their foresight. With these Republican stall tactics, the courts may have to consult wills, as the voters will likely be dead by the time all of this is resolved.

-------Both sides obviously think that lawyers are the answer. The courtrooms in Florida are now flooded as "dream teams" of lawyers wash ashore and into the courts, their fins still wet. The country's worst nightmares are being realized: politicians, lawyers, and maybe even life insurance salesman will show up. And if Johnny Cochran gets involved, don't be surprised if the electoral college elects O.J. Simpson as the forty-third President of the United States.

Copyright 2000, Aaron Bloom. All rights reserved.

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